Aug. 3, 2017

Overcome Negative Mind Voices

One of my most recent chapters of my book, UNDO Bipolar, was rather innocently about remembering back thirty-one years; at the horror I felt noticing I had an internal thought going on telling me point blank, "you are a shit!"  It felt powerfully condemning and my efforts were directed at figuring out where it was coming from, so I could then judge what to do about it.  I don't think I gave much considering to countering it until seven or eight months later.

As a dear friend pointed out the last time she and I talked, I've always been almost exceptionally ready to take on whatever any person outside of me might suggest I do or think over that which might arise within me.  It seemed to me that this thought came from outside of me somehow.  It just didn't seem like what I was used to otherwise.

A large majority of the reading/thinking populace today knows that thoughts left unchallenged, or more blatantly stirred with emotions (mine were fear and trembling with regards to the suggestion, "you are a shit") multiply rampantly like cockroaches.  I was utterly cowed by the first one.  Imagine how it was for me with a mind filled with a pestilence of them.

There are tales rife with the pain caused by thoughts in a clinical depression;, and even if I deeply despised you, I would never wish upon you that you should be forced to feel that.  I finally reached a point following four months of non-stop suicidal thinking where I was literally "jonesing" to have my mind free.  Not having done drugs, I'm not positive I know what "jonesing" is but I was itching, twitching and in all human manners rapidly switching locations, mentally and physically to be anywhere but in my own mind -- or skin.

I can't say I hadn't remembered this before; I can say I hadn't the energy or motivation before.  What I'm referring to is remembering I had read a small self published book (paper pages bound with that black curly spiral) some years before.  The woman who wrote it lived in a town near the one I lived in.  She wrote it in Mesa, Arizona.  She was as transparent as anyone I've ever run across and I could tell her story was true -- and heart wrenching.

What I was remembering was that she had learned to cancel her thoughts.  She had found effectiveness in ten count increments.  Like this -- "cancel, cancel, cancel, cancel, cancel.  Cancel, cancel, cancel, cancel, cancel."  Easy enough, it seemed.  And, I was ready to give it a try.

The next day, I found myself spending literally, the entire day, ticking off each of my fingers, "cancel", etc. as my mind kicked up one thought after another from that burgeoning community, like so much sand.  It seemed they were endless.

To my delight, and relief, and freedom, the next day was a piece of cake in comparison, and I was finally, out of the woods.

Note from Karen:  I AM finally writing a book, two actually.  If you have any interest in reading as I go, I'm putting them on a reader and writer website where you can read a chapter(s) at a time for free.  The site is wattpad.com.  Simply then search Karen Lohof or ANIKIKO and you'll be taken to the book(s).