Apr. 5, 2017

Confession

Dear reader,

Who shall I write to?  I’m going full circle already this morning.  For the last while (months, at least), I’ve been wondering:  “who should I pray to?  Who shall I talk to?  Who CAN I talk to?

 

This -- from a woman whose memory speaks to praying her entire life.  Once, overcome by two babies in diapers, who commanded the day far more adroitly than ever any adult has, I prayed in desperation for help to manage praying every day at some point, no matter what.  Guided by the brilliant idea to commit to pray once I was “reminded”, -- “do it then, do it then”, -- my world righted once again.

 

I’m not interested in changing minds or your beliefs here.  It happens I experience severe repugnance towards exclusivity and cannot escape it anytime I attempt to research religion.  I found my mouth agape/jaw dropped only a few moments ago, reading in a newly published book that the religion I was raised in was “counterfeit” Christianity, according to the author.

 

There is a great amount of self-serving pomposity to come up with thoughts along those lines veering the reader into distraction and away from remembering they are seeking truth.  And, thus you’ve just witnessed it.

 

So … just to be clear:  I strive to be blatantly open about MY experiences that I write about and share with you via this blog.  And, they are MY experiences.  Were I to invite you to join me, the first prerequisite would be that you show up as yourself, name for sure, picture also preferably, and do some writing back to me.  Yes, I speak of commenting.  At this point (no comments), I’m running down the street naked, while you stand fully dressed behind draped windows in houses set back at least ten feet from the street.  And, yes, I’m feeling “steamed” (hot, hot, hot) emotions from the reading I reported on.

 

Whatever am I talking about today?  Well, I began with you, the reader.  I can only hope I’m writing to benefit someone.  Most likely, you are quite like me.  It’s what we have in common that creates enough interest for you to read far enough to see if I might be able to share something of value with you.

 

My opening query led my mind to another question I’ve been experiencing often, who I should pray to.  I seem hell (how quickly questions are raised) bent on continuing to grow; I think it likely that desire feeds itself, and as I learn more about who I AM, my ideas, senses and awareness’s of God grows.

 

I’ve sullied that over the last two and a half decades as I came to indulge in blaming God for many things I felt as miserable in my life.  It began, innocently (go ahead and judge otherwise, I often do) enough with tearful pleas to understand how I could have come to the state in life I saw myself at.

 

Just this morning, I learned thanks to Sam Horn that competition is both the root of happiness and the ruin of self esteem.  I compared “this” life to “that” life, I compared myself to others, I compared myself to a former sainted self, and the list goes on. 

 

And then, because God was He whom I spoke most often, most consistently and most daily with; I began with tears, then “why” (why is often anger) questions, then testy recriminations, then blame.

 

I hear Dr. Phil asking over my left shoulder, “How’s that working for you?”

 

My answer:  “as poorly as you might think”.

 

Why?  You may well ask, why on God’s green earth, would anyone write such personal stuff and put it out there to total strangers?

 

I believe I have experiences and insights that matter.  I believe they can benefit others, I hope so anyway, for all I really have to offer is me, myself and I.

 

 

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