2017 Going for "Best"

Apr. 21, 2017

Good Morning, folks!  It does seem to help when it feels like I'm speaking(if not with) to someone. It may well be that experiencing mental illness creates the demand of others being around to notice, but I observe that many who write do so as though there's an audience reading.


 True enough, there are plenty who teach that's the "only" "true" way, and,perhaps it is.  You may have noticed I seem a little puckish (naughty) about writing to you and not being able to savor the pleasure of hearing back from you -- any of you -- in the form of comments.   I'm sure there's good reason for that but I can tell you it's not because I myself fail to comment. I continue to hold out hope for reaping what I sow, which, by the way, does not involve trolldom.


Enough about me. Oh, rubbish. I don't mean that. What else have I to truly share with you but myself? I think it's endlessly fascinating thinking about us all being one and having much in common, all the while being unique and individual. 


I'm eager to share what seemed to me to be a new thought yesterday.  Have you noticed many of our thoughts we seem to endlessly think over and over?  Here's my thought:   I knew at the outset I was going to be able to "do" this.   "This" meaning get through this life, this learning plane, this dealing with whatever comes up. 


I have allowed myself to get so scared, so disillusioned, so frustrated that at times (a lot of the time) I have forgotten that I came in knowing,  "I got this".   Yeah, yeah, I know.   That was the idea.   The veil of forgetfulness   And yes, I do know how to spell -- or did, before the internet.  What I want to stress here is that I've practiced a fullness of forgetting.  Maybe you have, too. Care to share?


I've been reminded recently that I AM infinite (check yes, I do believe that), eternal (check yes, I do believe that for sure), limitless (okay, here you got me). How very fuzzy, wuzzy my thoughts become when I even just attempt to think of myself as limitless being. It's like the old TV interference -- snow screen. So, since all three of those words are one eternal round I cannot miss that there are ways of looking at the same thing and believing you are really sitting just fine and then come around the corner and find where you're missing the boat.


Today was slated (on some books, at least) to be my 44th wedding anni.  When we married both of us had the intention it be a "forever"marriage -- not just "until death do we part". I have never gotten over that I could not make it to that end. No one I know has completely been able to understand my not letting go my ideal. I feel my earlier thought will contribute to my efforts to move forward with the benefits and blessings of my experiences, while ameliorating the sorrow.


Thoughts are a beginning place for things (yes -- things) to change.   I remind myself of that daily, intentionally. Oh, how I wish some of us were dialoging together on this page. Perhaps the day will yet come when we shall participate together.  In the interim, may I wish you well.  May I wish you happiness, health and wholeness and manifestation of your dearest desires.  

IMAGE:  geralt|Pixabay                                                           



Jan. 2, 2017

A Developmental Perspective

When people make a positive change in their self-image, they tend to become anxious because the change marks a separation from the identity they formed early in life. This separation appears to be related symbolically to breaking the fantasy bond, an imagined connection with their parent or primary caregiver, which arouses feelings of sadness, guilt and anxiety. The fantasy bond is the primary defense against the emotional pain and frustration that all children experience to varying degrees in growing up. The illusion of being merged with the parent offers the infant and young child a sense of safety and security and partly relieves both physical and emotional hunger.         Robert Firestone Ph.D.


The first sentence above:  "When people make a positive change in their self-image, they tend to become anxious because the change marks a separation from the identity they formed early in life" gives me a jolt in my body enough to raise my trunk off the cart where they use the paddles intended to jar the heart back to life.


Let me put it like this:  me making a positive change in my self-image, tends to create an anxiousness palpable in me as what that positive change in self-image does is decree a separation from my earliest life formed identity, and I'm not at all certain that I can live through that.  And, I sure as hell can feel my discomfort, no matter how denial cloaks me in numbness and confusion.


I wouldn't even know what my earliest formed identity might be, forged in the abandonment of my first three months out of my mother's womb, her subsequent depressions and physical illnesses, incest and I'm guessing early onset umbrage -- but all of that feels quite "bent" to me.


At age 67, a separation from an identity crafted from the perspective of seeing the above mentioned paragraph as being negative as I do, and I'm also aware there was lots of positive, too; I could see reason to be paying lots of money to separate myself from that earliest identity.


But that's me, I'm crying out as I write. It's so cloistered, so snarled, so, well, yeah, incest-ed.  How does one separate and be certain one is leaving only that which is dross?


Wikipedia describes anxiety as an unpleasant state of inner turmoil and says

"anxiety is a feeling of uneasiness and worry, usually generalized and unfocused as an overreaction to a situation that is only subjectively seen as menacing".  Subjectively seen is key here, methinks.


Why am I picking this apart?  Why am I writing about this?


I've been focused on making a positive change in my self-image for a long time now.  At least to some thin veneer degree since 2010/2011.  I'm counting on having successfully done so now to go from "winning" 2016 to "best" 2017, and yet, I find myself snagged up on "waiting" for a manifestation I consider critical.


I must be blocking myself, yes?  And is it because that anxiety is so heavy on my "subjective" mind?


What is there for me to lose?  I just had an interesting thought skitter across the screen of my mind.  Right at the end of 2016, Carrie Fisher died, and the very next day, her mother, Debbie Reynolds, died also.  It's been on the minds of lots of us.  My mother has died already, and my father, too, but there always remains much to work out.  Or, so, at least, to me it does.


Could my parents possibly feel short shrift ed in some way, were I to succeed in changing my life markedly for the better?  Might they possibly roll over in their graves  --  I don't believe for a second that's where they've set up shop, just playing.  Yet, it's interesting to think about how they might feel.  More accurately, it's interesting to notice how I think they might feel.  Again, the subjectivity comes up.


All right.  Let's get down to it:

What might they think were I to receive/accept/take on/celebrate being the recipient of $??,000 dollars, American, available to me to use as I've planned for some time now, without having gone to the salt mines, or saved it back having been a greeter at Walmart for years and years, or working night and day and every kind of split shift at Circle K or any other kind of job?

They are well aware (or have had every opportunity to be) of how I have worked to acquire and accumulate this money, and what changes I've made in myself.  None of this will "knock their socks off", and in fact, I believe they have contributed help that I have needed.  What need have I to fear any sort of split from them, as this culminates as I have intended?

I'm smiling now as I consider the "fantasy bond" I have no difficulty seeing a child come up with.  At age 67, I can well imagine (and think about that imagination of) those that would consider it a "fantasy bond" that I describe today -- at my age and with both parents having passed on.

Would you be surprised to learn that all anxiety has gone and I no longer fear a loss of identity?  Thank you all for participating!           879.16554.010217

Image:  geralt|Pixabay