Clarity and Confusion
It's been suggested to me before that I should sit down with my various selves and have them dialogue together until they come to an agreement. My earliest memories have to do with this in regards to money. I've thought and thought and searched and searched for more details but it was tonight, listening to the Penzu pod-cast about automatic writing, that I put it all together.
Having spent the past week striving to post on Bilking Grandma or Catfish Folly, I'm wondering if it could be helpful to start something between my various me's. Something needs to be done!
It doesn't seem that it should be this hard. Susan Borkin, who was the guest on the pod-cast and author to When Your Heart Speaks, Take Good Notes, says it may take at least ten minutes. Perhaps it's the heart entanglement but I can't help but wonder, wouldn't that be the same with just about anything worth writing about? He_, he_,he, I never would have thought it could happen, but frankly, I am feeling quite sick of he. And, I keep thinking, what a great loss of beautiful skin. We don't all agree on who's attractive or not and I do know there are those who know me who would wonder why I would make such a big deal of him and his appeal to me, but zowzers, he does something to me, for sure.
I hate being lied to. There have to be those who like it, but count me out. The more lies, the more repulsion. Say you want an honest relationship and I learn you haven't even been honest about your name, -- eerghkkkk -- that's the civilized sound of vomitus. Talk about God and show me how you revile Him with the way you live your life and alter who you are with His children that you meet and have recourse with and toleration is long out the window. You don't even require Satan's time to learn your craft. It flows naturally from your practice of disregarding any other than your self.
Yes, I do feel anger towards you. But there's something else. It's difficult to put my finger on it. I'm going to play with this for a bit for lack of knowing what else to do. I don't recall ever taking any courses for how to identify and feel towards a scammer, a fraudulent liar - thief. Possibly I missed them; I don't ever remember being offered them.
And, maybe that's all it is, just not having been taught, but . . . it still feels like more. It's true I let you into my life, with my door swung wide open in welcome. Could it be, you placed some sort of a chip in me, on me, near me? Like people chip their dogs now, in case they carelessly leave them behind when they move or whatever? Interesting how the brain works. That's getting real close to what it feels like. You (seem to have, anyway) cared once enough to lay some sort of claim, yet you danced merrily away, leaving me behind. My relevance to you was based on one thing only, would you be living for a portion of time from what I unwittingly gave you as your prey?
Symbiotic is what that sounds like. Like the groomer fish on those sharks.
Watch yourselves. This is a cautionary tale. If you can see yourself in me, your chances are greater to escape the same fateful flaws. I do wish that for you.