What I Had Wasn't It!

I’m gonna warn you right here and right now, even I can tell there’s something off with me today, and I’m telling you this, — ok --, I can see I’m not going to get away with equivocating (lying) so I’m just going to try and weary you with a number of different angles (tales) so you never quite get the full brunt of what I’m saying.

If I were you, I admit, I’d be curious and have to see what all the fuss was about and if there might be a morsel of any thing to be learned and carried away as a “nugget”, — I wouldn’t be mentioning this if I had cause to have even a shadow of pride left in myself but none of us gathered here would be able to claim having seen it, so no point.

What I’m trying to say is, this humor may not all be to my credit --
I’ve said before, and I mean it, always; I seem to see my life from a vantage point of holding my tongue in my cheek. Sometimes I think to mention I said some-thing tongue in cheek (TIC), other times I trust that having duly warned you, you pick that up all on your own. What I don’t think I’ve mentioned is sometimes I’m nearly rolling on the floor laughing and it finally dawns on me it’s because I’ve allowed someone loose in My Guidance Team.
Let me explain. First, I don’t really let anyone loose, they’re all loose and free as the breeze. I’m just saying, I let them fully influence me. Now, I don’t know how this is for everyone and I’ve noticed on the off occasion when I run into someone who seems to view it pretty much as I do I don’t enjoy their stories nearly as much as I though I might have. My people remain ever so much more interesting.
My Guidance Team is all the folks who’ve died and still have the least interest in me, be they friends and family or folks who’s living folks (still in their bodies)can’t be troubled with them or whatever. If your mother or father have passed, you may want to believe they are always with you; and from there, you may or may not make an effort to sense their presence at times.

I find that even though I’ve had some rather poignant experiences (and for those I truly AM grateful) and I don’t mind at all to say, “thanks so and so, how nice of you to come by”, even with my clear awareness of this being one of my blessings (I do see it that way), I cannot seem to tear away my attention from my earthly and common, what-I’m-used-to, and more often than not, “bored with” self-assigned tasks to really pay much mind.

Sorry about the wordy background, but it is important to know that this individual, whom I have named “Crusty Sweet” (so as to not be slapped to “Kingdom Come”)has not been with us (collectively) for a few years now, and at least, in my frame of mind, is viably funnier that h_e_double toothpicks (draw it in the air, if you must).

So, when I found myself giggling profusely, over what seemed to be dumber and dumber stuff, I pretty well knew who was out and about. He and I used to drive taxi together for a while; and he is, well, definitely crusty. And, he most assuredly always told it how he saw it. And this subject matter cuts both ways. It may take two people from different sides of the track to see it so black and white, and that’s where the respect must needs come in. Respect is either there or it isn’t, so we shall see.

I’m weak in the knees, though. And if you’ve been reading me you know I can’t (I’m tempted to use the Southern States ~”cain’t” here) seem to help prevaricating at times like this. I don’t like eating crow anymore than you do.

Interestingly, it took a long time to get the title just right. “What I Had Wasn’t IT”. So, (and if it has been tough following along, I get that). I’m wanting to segue off again, but no. I need to tell you what I need to tell you. I didn’t win the sweepstakes. I didn’t receive the house, the car, the money, the boat. I’m hoping, though again, when you don’t communicate back with me, how can I know?, that most of you picked up on that I was visualizing the end and writing the way so as to be in a position to legitimately recommend learning to manifest from practicing changing your vibration.

Honestly, when I finally decided to go on line again and see if there was more news, I just hoped they would tighten up the time frame for sharing who the winner was. I didn’t really anticipate the winner had already been announced. There was really a light to that, though, as an aside. He has ESRD (End Stage Renal Disease)and had kidney replacement a year ago, so there’s lots of rejoicing with that plus the prize winnings.

My immediate thought process was something (two somethings) I’d cursorily thought at the beginning. One was, “it is or it isn’t”. The other, “this, or something better”. I did find it daunting to consider that there would likely be over one hundred million entries and even if I’d managed faithfully and consistently getting my sixty two in so they could weigh in,I was pretty sure it would take more than that. And, I believed I had that more. I can honestly say that “more” benefited me more than just about everything I’ve ever done.

Saddest for me is that I had special plans that would have benefited others and I had “plotted” what I was going to say to them along with what I’ve never had before to give — that could make that kind of difference. Many other would be winners there are, though, that could echo what I just said.

To be as transparent as possible, my cowardice is most tied to what others would/will think. That that is a factor tells me I remain more yellowed than I would have hoped, and it isn’t jaundice. I at least believe that success in any endeavor is not predicated on what others think. Clearly, more practice is in order for me.

My rebel aspect undermined me in that I’ve been told time and time again to start small and not pin my efforts on the big things to start with. I also always want to do things my way and I can see where some of the choices I made to go my way were to go against my gut instinct. Interesting. That tells me I am not above pitting me against me. Hmm. I’m pretty sure I never consciously had that thought before, AND I’m pretty sure that’s not a winner’s method.

So what was my downfall? I’ve admitted to the odds. That’s not anything I have control over. What was my downfall of the things I do have control over?

OK. Red light. Warning. Here comes one of my giggles, so if you never get my humor or plain ole don’t like it skip this paragraph. As I wrote “have control over” twice in the paragraph above I thought of a metaphor shared on one of my conference calls last week. I must have faded in and out a bit but I had picked up on a gruesome challenge where after having spent tons of energy on the challenges throughout, one came to the end challenge which required the most energy expenditure of all. The participant came to a flat broad wall where having leapt one’s full length and having caught one’s full length by the barest of one’s fingertips, one then had to lift one’s entire body weight up and beyond that barrier. That alone had me as a listener laid full out where I listened (shivering)to all the possible ingredients of failure: if one’s body weight was a tish too much, et al, I know you get the picture.

So, of course, the point is really, what do I have control over? Or, in my case, more to the point is: what am I striving to gain control over? And, in fact what have I decided TO DIE TRYING OR BECOME A CHAMPION OVER? And, this I now have a much clearer picture of than when I weakly mentioned it at the start!

The answer is my mindset, specifically becoming aware of when I’m on the problem side, and when I’m on the solution side;and successfully turning that fully and completely around, purposely, meaningfully, and with all my “feeeeling” toward that which I want from that which I don’t want.

For some reason, these words came to mind as I wrote the paragraph above, and I typed them into Google: “dang me, dang me, they ought to take a rope and hang me,” and subsequently I enjoyed again a long forgotten Roger Miller song, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l1s7HHnnjU4 . Just in case, you think I’ve forgotten you and my ultimate fear of you.

There’s much more to be said on that subject (pick one, any one) at least if you’re me, so I’ll take myself a bit of a rest and start again, another day. I hope you’re enjoying a lovely spring. I confess I am.


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