Thanks be to Thee

Mar. 10, 2016

Dear Father,             

As I contemplate writing this in response to “telling” you regarding my RECEIVING the Sweepstakes Package, one of the things I realize is that I (more often than not) hold myself at considerable arm’s length in any interaction with Thee.  To enjoy a warm and intimate feel to my prayers is a very rare experience.  That is a real eye opener to me!  

I do think about what I understand to be the prayers of others — particularly when I think of Catholics (watching them cross themselves on TV when receiving news of some kind from someone else) and I somehow manage to bring everyone up short from my experience.  Hmm.  Caught again — in the having of lots of assumptions AND finding my assumptions (more often than otherwise) wrong!

So,. . . I suspect this will be spotty; in terms, of getting this to come out right, I am thinking I will not achieve that immediately off the get go.  And, it will not be all that comfortable knowing others may read this.  Yet, I begin.

Dear Father,
I specifically want to thank you for being so prominently in my life, and that it has always (save when I have experienced clinical depression with suicidal thinking)been vitally important to me to have that relationship with Thee. 

I am sorry for, and acknowledge, that I all too readily and easily, fail to be eager to share and express thanks for my most special moments, despite how dear I consider our relationship to be.

With this in particular, I want it to be different.  This is something I consider to be “normalizing my life”, getting “back on track”, being set aright “on my feet” after a very extensive downfall.

As opposed to the Prodigal Son, whose story can be found in the Bible,who simply wanted to be back home in whatever lowly position;  I confess I always felt there would be a time when I would be welcomed back to maintaining a place of my own, having and driving a car and having a flow of money that would allow a little bit of breathing room.  That seemed minimal human to me.

Time wore on, to a near unbearable extent.  I wouldn’t desire (in any way) to insult anyone worse off than I have found myself, but there were more than a few times when I yowled miserably, convinced I would never again be anywhere near where I wanted to be in life.

I did maintain in the same years, sometime in the same months,and over a protracted period of time it became in the same weeks and eventually the same days, awareness of personal dreams.  I — me, myself and I, -- the person I was, the individual I was, the being I was like no other;  I had some things I wanted to do with my life, I had some ways of being I wanted to be in this life; and dang it, yes, dang git, there were some things I wanted to have in this life.

I’ve worked long and hard in this life.  Don’t we all feel that way, despite what anyone else might see it being?  And, I have given up and given in and laid down and played dead.  My responses and efforts have run the gamut, I do believe.  And (maybe but, would be best) I have failed most miserably, to appreciate what I have been given and see it the “win” it all has been.

It’s with fear and trembling, even now, I give it a slap dash try; but here I go:  I really am thankful (to varying degrees) to have been born in this life and times.  I know there are peoples in this world who believe in a type of reincarnation such that when I think, could I have had other lifetimes?  I realize I get (no, that would be — got — I haven’t read such tales for a very long time) an especially poignant ”butt hurt” over thinking about young white female children being swooped up by marauding Indians (no one had ever conceived of the term Native American as long ago as I read about that) and ridden far off to be raised into soft spoken, mocassin wearing blond “Injuns” with white tanned skin.

I’ve also noted becoming extraordinarily uncomfortable about that time period where “the rack” (yeah, that’s the one I must have experienced personally) and other such torturous devices were in such vogue.  If you ever watched the movie, Brave Heart, you know the era of which I speak.  I’m pretty sure that young hot model so enamored of Mel Gibson today would have second thoughts were she informed that his head and his hands are mere replicas of what he had when he was younger.

There’s something going on here, that I get off track so easily.  I remember saying to my first husband, obviously long, long ago:  “your deserve level is not very high”.  He was driving an old Datsun with holes in the floor boards and I could see the road we were going over beneath my feet. 

Truth is, I must question my own deserve level.  I find it awkward to tell just about anyone I’ve WON this great package.  Why?  My whole life I have been so inundated with the imperative of “hard work”.

Define hard work.  Interestingly, I must have left something out of my reincarnation reverie, because what most immediately comes to my mind’s eye is wearing black and white stripes and taking a pick ax to boulders, all day long. 

Second to follow behind that is being with Ben Hur on a Roman galley, chained and rowing, slaving, of course.  And yes, I picked up on that my periphery noticed prisoner aspects and an ultimate “telling me what to do”.

And, so, Father, what that all comes down to for me is variety (one of my most favorite proclivities), choice, and believing progression is an eternal principle.  Hence, I was able to change an errant belief of — yes, I could one day become a creator, as Thou art Creator, to — I AM inherently creator, have been from “ultimate in utero” untold years (time being not understood well by the likes of me)ago and I AM going through a long desired sought after phase of learning to remember and adapt in my current space suit; er, what I meant to say was my body and its attachments.

I really have long known, or at least long suspected, that as a hoarder and clingers-oner, I had much to give up to fly free.  I do believe I’ve finally gotten there.  Now, the trick will be staying on bead and not falling back so much and so often.  

How could I possibly expect any of this to make sense to anyone other than me?  We all have that which I love so much — our own varied way to get to where only we are going.

Thanks very much, Father.  I never need apprise Thee of anything, except to do so for my own benefit and learning.  I do need to take the time to find my appreciation vibration.  How kind of Thee to desire that for me and that I share that with Thee.  Lots of love!

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